norellkidx3's Journal

10:21pm: its scary dramatic.
i wish my mother was dead
i wish i was dead.
have you ever seen the movie wrist cutters?
i highly recommend it.
well yeah i don't deserve to live
i am imperfect
and so is everyone else in the world
but do they deserve to live either?
and no I'm not about to go on a killing spree
and i am not insane
my mind just works differently than any one elses does.
i wish it didn't
i wish i was normal
even though i fit in.
i wish i never had an eating disorder
it would have made my life a million times better
i would have experienced more and i wouldn't be such a critical person.
i wouldn't be afraid to say go to the movies and dinner with my boyfriend because i know hell offer me popcorn or torment me for not touching my dinner
maybe call my bluff when i say I'm too sick to eat?
I know i wouldn't be so suicidal
but its not my fault i swear
its not my fault i cannot let a morsel slip down my throat without criticizing the calories and planning my suicide attempt for that evening.

God i also hate that everyone assumes i am this way because i want to be skinny
Yes i want to be skinny but just like every other person does
I do not think I'm fat. and i would love if i could accept myself at a normal weight
but it isn't and never has been about being thin.
Its just that
The only thing in my life i have ever been able to control is what i eat
so i do control it i control it to the best of my ability
i control my weight its how i know if i failed or succeeded for the day.
i am in the process of proving myself to myself
i call that process an eating disorder
well i don't call it that society does because i think its perfectly fine.

i am also in the process of starving myself to death.
i know what I'm doing don't warn me
It's all because i never cut deep enough
I'm still here; so i recently decided that if i am ever going to succeed in dying
why not use something i know well? like my ED.

Everything sucks
i was arrested: my parents hate me
my parents hate my boyfriend, i hate my parents,
i hate my boyfriend, but i love my boyfriend, i love my friends,
apparently they all don't love me (they tipped off the cops and got me arrested)
so i Hate my friends.

That was a terrible attempt to explain my life right now
it really is indescribable
its what i always imagined hell to be like minus the cupcakes and fattening food
Not that i believe  in hell. or God or anything other than myself.
because i don't

On the only bright side
2 hours of today were amazing
which is why i love my (old) friends
whom i never see. and not who i mentioned above at all.

xxNAT

6:37pm: Depressive, wheres the manic???

i always get randomly really depressed
i'm having an episode
that was referring to my bipolarness
i want to fucking die but i don't wnat to kill myself
i don't want to take the easy way out but for absolute sure if there was some huge bus coming towards me theres no way in hell i'd  ove away from it.
i'm losing self control so its not like i don't deserve it.
i keep eating atleast once a day. im such a fuckup ive never allowed myself to be this messed up before
Im even fucking doing bad in school because i just stopped caring,,
and all i've fucking wanted in teh world lately is DRUGS;
i want to get soo fucked up at all times that i don't have to live my life the drugs can live it for me
and i know they can, and i hope they do. 
i want to puke and cry at the same time and i want to be so high that jumping off that cliff outside my house wouldn't pain me the slightest
i never want to see my parents reaction to this nad i never want to see my friends again.
I want to sleep and never wake up, but i never want to go to sleep i wnat my life to go by so fast that i can't remember it.
but i still want to accomplish all my goals. and  sure can't do that fucking up as badly as i have been lately
I'm never going to get into johns hopkins; im never gonna be a doctor; im never gonna go to grad school
because i'm going to fucking die before i get a chance or screw up my life so badly that all my chances have slipped away
all my good friends are gone and i'm walking alone into my own personal hell and it will be filled with cupcakes and everything else in the world i hate sealed together by lost dreams. as if hell even exists.
i want ambition; but you just can't make yourself care. i want to defer all my bodys wishes i want to starve.
i want to become nothing. i am nothing. but i wnat my body to reflect what my mind, heart, and soul are.
Nothing; ill never be anything and i know it if i ever do accomplish any goals i'll die soon after because i happen to be such a drastic person.
I wont be good enough unless i weigh under 70 pounds.
ill be dead.
I won't be a worthy doctor or person unless i go to johns hopkins.
i could never get in. and by the time all my school goals are complete i'll be in my late 20's and ready to die.
i don't expect to get past 25
i've thought as long as i can remember that i'd have a short life and if it doesn't happen naturally then i'll make sure of it myself.
Now does anyone know how much bleach i can drink without dying?
i know atleast  a teaspoon i've done that before, but i want more i wnat to test god and all my physical boundaries
because if you're not going to do that why live at all?
and on that note i'm gone. au revoir.